January 6, 2013

I have had dreams of restaurants every night this past few days. Last night, the dream included the submarine ride at Disneyland. Jake loved eating out and at one time wanted to build his own submarine. Go figure.

Today was the last day of shiva. We got up, walked around the house outside and went to the cemetery to say kaddish at the freshly sodded grave of my darling son. Tears flowed all around as we said one more goodbye. The very earth held its breath, there was not a rustle of leaf nor blade of grass. The air was perfectly still. Later we went for a walk along the jetty by the ocean. The sun shone, the world still turned. People played with their dogs, boys kissed their girlfriends, mothers pushed their children in strollers. And I wondered, how could all these people not know what had just happened. Didn’t they know what was now missing from the world? How could they be happy when my happiness has been stolen forever? I might laugh again, forget for a moment, but I will never have true joy again. But I will live, we will live for as long as we do. We will find a new way to be, life always tempered by sadness and longing. But we will live.

Right now, the only peace I can get is in sleep.

January 7, 2013

Today dawned grey and still. My dreams were random and scattered, vague and misty. I still expect to get a text from Jake, a call, a knock at the door, but with less certainty than a week ago. We survived another day. And will survive this one. And the next. And the days will merge into weeks, the weeks into months, and so on. But will the pain merge into happiness? The sorrow into joy? We shall see, but I think not.

Rafi: Unfortunately dear Ed , I am of a country in which too many have lost their sons yet the formula for coping with such loss is not in existence nor is the ability for one to distribute his pain and share it with his willing friends. i can only hope that time will turn your wound into a scar – a scar that will give you some great memories , some reminders of unconditional love – a mixture of feelings that will make life worth living still. i am always here for u and when one day , when they will invent that formula, I’ll be on line to help you share the pain.

This from my friend, Bob:

Jake is there, and you can talk to him anytime you want. He’d talk to you too but hey, he’s busy. On a new adventure. When he gets bored he’ll reconnect.

Originally posted on Facebook January 6, 2014