January 18

I mark time very differently now. There is the ‘Before’ and the ‘From Now On’. Very different lives. My expectations have been dashed, it is difficult to let them go. Thankfully, we have a marvelously strong, caring and loving group of people surrounding us who would willingly take our pain upon themselves if they could. And in fact help hold it at bay here and there. We are still in shock, still in denial, but the grim reality is beginning to creep in slowly. I look at the objects, people, trees, buildings, the world around me, and it ‘looks’ the same. But everything is very different. No zest, no real joy in things I used to take such pleasure in. This may change too, but every happiness is now wrapped in sadness and longing. Or maybe now has that kernel of sadness at its core. I am not sure of anything except that I want him back.

January 19

Kind of a neutral day. Which, I guess, is progress. No huge waves as of yet, just a few ripples. Some friends came by for a visit this afternoon. Coffee, ice cream and cookies. Now I’m making a little dinner, Moroccan Carrot soup, left over Mustard chicken, and garlic potatoes. Meeting a very long time friend a bit later for a drink and a chat. Striving for normality in an extremely abnormal situation. For a short while we’ll talk about good old times, pretending everything is okay, when in fact, everything is decidedly not okay. But I guess that’s the way you do it. Fake it till you make it.

I learned what those tidal waves are called, “Grief Spasms”. That’s exactly what it feels like. Every muscle contracts simultaneously. Like a convulsion. They do pass, but remain standing in the wings, waiting for their cue to come on stage. The cues are so random. A thought, a word, a glance. I never know what will spark it. So we tread lightly through our memories, wanting to cherish every moment, but wary of the black grief monster waiting to pounce. In fact, here comes one now …

Originally posted on Facebook January 19, 2014